Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Broken fences

How do you mend something that seems really broken? My mother is wanting me to come to some place with my estranged family member and I am just not so sure it can be done, or if I even want to do it.

She is the average age of a new grandmother and just starting life as a mother. I remember those years when life was all about babie(s) and you are just keeping up with sprouting developmental levels. I am six years younger and have one child in middle childhood (9), one sprouting pre-teen. (11) and a full blown this is war teenager (almost 14).

Needless to say my child rearing issues are much different. I am not a perfect mother, no where close, but I do love my children and I am trying to learn how to deal with the newer challenges. If I cared less I would not be going out of my way to learn and implement life changes to suit the needs.

Yes, I wish my children's memories of home are idyllic, but they're bio dad was crap. They do remember mom always taking care of them through the years. Yes, I wish my life was not affected by a chronic disabling disease, but that's out of my hands folks.

I DO realize how I deal with these issues is the true answer to the question. I am, with the occasional reminder due to memory lapses, much more consistant when it comes to rules and consequences. I know it makes my boyfriend seem like the bad guy, but he remembers things where I do not, fact of life. I know just making this change to consistency is destroying the strategies of pester mom into it, or " she'll never remember grounding me anyway...." This means that their behavior is on a new level ... what can we do to get our way with mom. It is aggravating. It is annoying. It is pull out hair, drive ya' crazy madness at times. It is what it is.

I have good hopes with our new counselor and psycho-social rehabilitation that will help all of us learn new stress strategies. I can say when I am overwhelmed, I do not exhibit the best role modeling. I struggle especially if I have a battle in the house compounded by a breakdown or two.
Today was rare, there was no screaming, yelling, name calling, accusation hurling breakdown. Yay, one day... I'll take it!

So, as we prepare for Christmas, I wish I could do something for the babies, but a new car emergency has left us leaner than usual. I would not cut her kids out, but I understand this is not a shared idea. I am not one to hold a grudge, but I also do not feel as if I should be the one always backing down, taking the crap. I also am discouraged at the level of manipulation that was allowed by my teenager. They thrive on causing drama between people and if she can get an "adult" on her side, then she feels victorious.

I'm not perfect, my boyfriend is not perfect, but we are committed to this relationship which means commited to raising these children. I can not speak for him, but I will always be their mother. I plan on keeping my boyfriend as he is my prince, but that is in the works. We are working on a year which despite the drama and sickness has been a good year for "us." I have found love and it is good. Surely, that is a basis of which good things can build?


Jen ( said...

All I can say is good luck with everything. :)

jojo said...

thanks Jen!