Saturday, August 7, 2010

I will survive....

As the teenaged monster takes over my oldest, I have decided my background music shall be "I will survive" the Beck version, not the original. What can I say more than another day another drama. I am becoming piqued. When I don't jump up and say "Yes, he shouldn't have said that to you, so I am kicking him out!" She trys to tattle on me to family far away. Yesterday, when removing her mouse from her room she decided to wrap it around her arm three times to make a red mark, so it would appear as if she had been hurt.

Today, I challenged her to writing out an essay of how to take responsibility for her actions and she responded with ways she was going to change.... ie " I am going to be a better person." Maybe she just does not understand how to take responsibility? We have begun to change our messages to " when you scream at your brothers.... or when you leave a mess.... we will..." I know we have a long and daunting process in front of us, but I am just grousing.

The indian is working at a major restaurant and being fast tracked to manager and he is so happy to be back at work. This healing time has been the only time since he left home that he hasn't been gainfully employed. I know it is bringing us closer. We always touch in our sleep, but last night we were as siamese twins. I am learning in this relationsip that love and emotions ebb and flow. I have never felt the experience of feeling as if I were falling in love time and time again. Those would not be his words, but as only a man can express I can seem to get enough of your kisses. Yeah, for going back to work!

Apparently, I was just as much of a nightmare as a teenager, thinking I was older and not having the skills to manage the adult situations I often placed myself in. I spent some time living elsewhere and a brief stay at a boarding school. We moved and I think it was learning to play the piano that I remember being able to sort my mind and emotions out. I wish I had continued because I remember the feel of that upright rock with me as I pounded out melodys and poured my soul into feeling the music. Music heals without a doubt. I guess maybe I should start guitar lessons as she is showing very little interest in the acoustic she got for christmas.

Now that finances are not such a problem, I hope to get back into a pottery class this fall. I always loved the feel of clay in my hands. I need an outlet just as much as I have always, but the ages of the children and now more financial security leads me to have and make viable hopes and plans.

I will survive, I am not the first mom with a teenager and will not be the last. I am not the first mom finding love late and having the institution of discipline being upheld shake up the family order. I am not the first mom living with an illness. I am and will continue to learn and grow because I definately do not know it all. I am simply just jojo, goodhearted sometimes to a fault and almost always good intentioned.

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